Exodus 34:29 “Moses came down from Mount Sinai, carrying the tablets beholding the word of God. His face was shining.”
If you replace “Moses” with “moms,” and “Mount Sinai” with “Best Buy,” the Bible is pretty much talking about iPads.
The iPad was unleashed upon the world over six years ago, and by now even the least tech-savvy moms find themselves deep in the throes of iPad addiction. In terms of accessories moms can’t go without, the iPad ranks above knit scarves, Diet Coke, clunky jewelry, and Costco membership cards. It’s hard to know exactly why this annoyingly in-between gadget has caught on with the mom-ographic, but I think the main reason is that it is literally a huge-ass iPhone.
In the way that Power Wheels makes tiny cars that kids can handle, Apple made a smartphone large enough to interest mothers.
Moms are notoriously apprehensive toward the average sized iPhone. It’s hard to read, and texting challenges the dexterity of post-menopausal fingers. I say fingers and not thumbs, because moms refuse to text using anything but their index finger, along with the calculated intensity of the President entering nuclear launch codes. Yes, they could make the text on their phone larger and easier to read, but that’s something “old” people need.
The mammoth dimensions of the iPad make it a perfect fit for any mom-sized purse – even while it’s fully loaded with coupons, keys, tissues, makeup accessories, and whatever various motherhood minutiae that have accumulated over the years.
Does the iPhone have a more-than-adequate camera with plenty of room for storing/editing photos? Yes. Does your mom care? No. Moms have a hard time seeing the sights while also remembering to snap some pics. The iPad allows moms to see the sights through a gigantic screen *while* taking nonstop pics of what they’re not really experiencing.
I know you might think, “But desktops and laptops can be big and annoying. Why don’t moms love those?” Well, there’s just something about a reliable, ergonomic keyboard that turns moms away. With the iPad’s on-screen keyboard, Apple has made it clear that this thing is strictly for fun, because drafting anything too in-depth is an impossible nightmare. Save the emailing for that dusty PC in the dining room: the iPad is for mom games! Scrabble, Tetris, and Angry Birds (without reading glasses). Not to mention, having a computer shaped like a lunch tray allows your mom to watch HGTV on her couch while messaging you on Facebook to express her disgust for a complete stranger’s floor plan. That type of boring shit only feels right on an iPad.
Your mom’s irrational love for her iPad may be confusing, but just try to accept it. If you are beyond the point of acceptance, don’t worry: your mom has never closed a single app in her life. They’re ALL open. She doesn’t know how to close them. At some point, she’ll say that the thing is on the fritz, and that’s when you tell her that they just do that over time; then throw it away and try your best to reignite her love for Sudoku.
Our moms deserve better!
Andy Sandford is a New York based comedian who has appeared on Conan and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Follow him on Twitter @andysandford or visit his website at www.andysanford.com
Featured image by m01229